10 years ago

For the Life of Me

For the Life of Me


Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

Resentment is dark but I suppose it works for some, especially as a tool to protect oneself from being hurt (again) or otherwise, but it’s dark and no one, not a single person, benefits from it. However, if you want to hurt someone in return or whatever your reason is, that’s how you would go about it. Furthermore, it might be something many are completely unaware of! It could be a subconscious thing or something. IDK – but resentment leads to rejection leads to a dark hole in your heart.
What’s the opposite of resentment? Forgiveness. Forgiveness can only truly exist IF humility is present and that’s impossible with resentment.
All in all good grief – because as it turns out grief is good – “I’m sorry” and remorse are good too but grief breaks your heart or it feels like it and grief is much deeper – the only thing that can bring a resolution to those sticky situations we get into. Change cannot take place without grieving which requires empathy, humility and in some cases a lot of wailing. Not crying, wailing… God it feels so good to be alive and sober and finding change but it took me the better part of a year to even understand what grief really is.
I grieve over the horrid way I’ve behaved in my past and more so for what I did to hurt people, especially those I care deeply about. It is truly heart wrenching.

Do you have a grudge against someone?

You might if a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury is held onto.


To stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone). : to stop feeling anger about (something) 

Forgiveness is a big one.  For me personally it’s easy to forgive people but there are those who have been more difficult.  Take my family for instance.  Before my daddy was murdered and at the young age of nine I remember getting into trouble, being spanked (never beat or in anger) and even though he would sit me on his lap and explain to me why I was being corrected I resented him.  Oh I was nine though?  Irrelevant.  The morning I learned of his death I immediately determined it was my fault because out of that resentment I would tell myself I hated him and I wished he would die.  Just reading as I type has me in tears.  It took years and years to accept that it wasn’t my fault but I still wished it upon him;  it hurts so bad to remember that.  It hurts deeper than just about anything save  my son and his estranged mother.
The next big resentment I held onto was toward my mom.  I can’t remember the exact time I first determined in my heart I was very angry toward her and holding a grudge.  To this day we sometimes get into a family argument and I find myself pulling that pistol on her, especially if it has to do with finances and how she managed them when we were kids and the laundry list of things I held at one time.  The issue is usually when someone tries to justify or excuse their actions which only heats the fire.  I think I do pretty well to keep that stuff off my shoulder and when I do feel angry (once in a blue moon) it doesn’t end up with me throwing a fit and going nuts over it.  This works because I forgave my mom and while I don’t hold these things against her when they do come up we usually resolve with mutual tears and hugs – we turn out to be a functioning family, there is no resentment.  A funny thing; there’s not usually one-on-one dialogue in said arguments because someone else is always mediating – reasons my family is awesome.  While we are very close these days and all has been forgiven those things from the past don’t inhibit our love for one another.  I’ve witnessed families who are the exact opposite and it works for them I guess but it wouldn’t for me.  Even in marriage I desperately wanted to have things out in the open with the immediate in-laws – this could have even saved the marriage, perhaps.  I know it saved my immediate family and all grown up we are close and we love each other more than we hated each other and that was violent and involved shoving down stair, straight punches to the face, one day my younger brother was stabbed with a steak knife – it came 1/4″ from his left lung…  I didn’t do the stabbing but it just shows you and it’s my testament to how much we love each other today.

Hate is not the opposite of love

Hate is fueled by the same passion as love; love and hate are simply opposite sides of the same coin.  The opposite of love and even hate is reserved for indifference.  Hate me and hope I hurt, because I do.  Indifference is having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned.  So please, hate me but forgive me if I’ve crossed you and for the love of God; for crying out loud; for Pete’s sake (whoever Pete is) – resent me, hate me, hold it all over my head but don’t write me off until it’s clear I’ve written myself off.  Yeah, I’ve come close (or I think) to writing myself off.  Today that isn’t me.

Letting Go

One of my very best friends, a respectable married man my age who has found favor and success, has four beautiful boys and one of my main confidants spelled it out for me one week in Florida – LET GO.  He explained that letting go is really the only way to move on regardless the outcome; forever separate or reconciled.  Furthermore he explained that it isn’t about not loving someone or not caring deeply but about what will expedite healing for all parties; LET GO.  OK!  Easier said than done especially since getting sober and learning grief.  It hurts more than ever and what now?  LET GO.  sigh

Letting God

Let go and Let God” is used a lot and I’m sure you’ve probably heard it before.  My take on it is scriptural; 1 Peter 5:7-Casting all your care upon Him; for he careth for you.  This tells me that I don’t need to try to fix everything or make it all better because He cares enough to take it on so I don’t have to – but as easy as it was to type that out, following through is very difficult for me.  This idea about letting go and letting God  is supported by another scripture;  Matthew 6:33-But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things would be added unto you.
In other words, surrender it to God. Whatever your “IT” may be on today, God is saying, “Give it to me!”
One particular situation has plagued me for years now.  Not only is this the toughest to accept, move on and let go it’s something I am reminded of everyday.  Surrounded by memories and the cue immediately after the nostalgia is the part that really hurts; loss.  Loss – there’s grief in feeling a deep sense of loss both for oneself and others.  I have a lot of gratitude for what I have and it is by this alone that I maintain a positive and healthy outlook on life; happiness.  1 Thessalonians 5:18-In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.  

How to Let Go

This might vary but I assure you my past is riddled with people and places I’ve had to let go of.  Today I strongly feel like I have a clean slate; I’ve let go of it all.  However, there is that one ever relevant situation where letting go has been near impossible for me but absolutely necessary for all parties to heal, I guess (shrugs shoulders).  Off and on since 2009 I’ve done this back-and-forth letting go but failing because I missed the part about giving it to God.  I’ve found it to be true; when I let God things are always OK and I feel deep peace instead of remorse and regret which compliment that peace but alone they aren’t enough.  I still well up with tears often which is also something new to me in the last few years and it’s been very awesome but there is a catch…  The more I feed my spirit man and open my heart to good emotion by which I experience a heightened awareness of my feelings the more stronger other emotions become, like sadness.  It’s a fair trade-off in the end and the point is learning to let go and let God.  

Do you want to let go of something and try God’s way?

From experience I know the good news and some things we probably don’t think about when it comes to this letting go thing; forgive yourself then forgive the transgressor.  I believe that I have been able to accept my mistakes, work toward making change (determined by grief) and forgive myself.  What is the saying?  Luke 7:47 reads Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.  It means exactly what it reads; my mistakes can be forgiven but only through love which is another subject altogether except in that I will mention love requires empathy, humility, and sometimes love means letting go and let God.


ps (because I don’t want to write another post). I am crazy and if you know me you know that.  However, there are two sides to the crazy coin; mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way and extremely enthusiastic, the later of which I subscribe these days.
I’ve been working on my mixtape for my fresh alias Skiplines.  The first track I wrote under this pseudo, 4am, has a line that reads “we have not lost but won, and I had none but one, even when I succumbed to what was my shortcome and would be someone I didn’t recognize, there was a pearl of great price and for my soul attempted heist, by lies that I could release by suicide all the pain I learned to hide as a child, wildflower…”  The pain I hid wasn’t a secret and far from hidden; it became the most prevalent thing in my life in my twenties.  It was during this time I started growing emotionally, having stopped as a child because of, stuff.
This mixtape has taken shape this year but I’m surprised where the direction it’s taken.  Another track titled Bad Guy (Eminem reference) which is 1078 word count 5:08 in length.  That’s about 215 words a minute…    The last verse closes with these lines:

denial, don’t be like that for serious
let go let God
against all odds and the oddity of life itself and this chaos inside a brilliant mind genetically loose wired live
fire is bright as day but at night there’s no church in the wild why I stand beside myself God said I need help to survive
so a helping hand was granted and planted in my lifeline
because at the end of the day I’m not a bad guy


This post was last modified on June 30, 2014 - learn more.

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