It’s a line from “No Church In The Wild” by Jay-Z & Kanye West.
I would certainly hope and pray I have seen the worst of times come and go.  I’ve lost friends (clearly) who I genuinely believed would be my friend no matter what I went through.  My early twenties were interesting and I made some amazing friends who played a major role in my development as a young Christian believer.  I eventually went my own separate way, into the big world, to start my adult life.  I made some pretty terrible mistakes, especially in their eyes.
Looking back at who we were and who I am now I can understand how we may not have all which we once had in common but I never imagined I would loose their friendship.
My best guess is that the behaviors of the last six years or so make the continuance of our friendship intolerable.  Those early days were like high school more than anything.  The “circle” we ran around in was a little cliquey.  We were exclusive, but that’s not saying we weren’t inclusive or better than anyone.  We were just the “older than” group of kids who attended church service more frequently than our counterparts.
It would not be conducive to write all my wrongs here so I will refrain.  I do know what I’ve done wrong.  I accept the poor decisions I’ve made leading to this wilderness.  I understand why said friends would be apprehensive toward me in this current state of waiver.  I’ve tried to wrap my head around this and came up with two possible reasons for this feeling: 1) I am viewed as an apostate, which would explain the disdain; 2) is simply (I pray) a temporary lapse in fellowship with God.
I won’t accept that I’ve come so close to understanding God’s grace that I would simply turn and reject it.  I can’t recall anytime I’ve rejected Him or the sacrifice of His son Christ.  In basic terms I came to question the body of Christ as was contrary to my understanding.  That’s how I have been led; by my own understanding.  This has been my mistake.  It was me who decided to reject the fellowship of my fellow believer.  It was my big head that walked out of the church after seeing the brokenness, which is the human condition, of the people within.
The inconsistencies of tradition and worship within church from denomination to denomination and family to family made a real mess of my heart.  It waged a spiritual and mental war on me and forged a tool of compromise leading to my spiritual demise.   I was unprepared, my family was unprepared, my first wife was certainly unprepared.
As a result of my languishing spirituality I fell into more compromise and walked right into the hardship I now face in my adult life.  These friends feel further away than ever and that is also confusing.
Looking forward with who I am now I understand how I have in common the same sin as any other person.  I consider all a friend and hope that through the renewal of my spirit can share God’s amazing grace.
For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2nd Timothy 1:7
God hath not given unto us the spirit of Bondage – but of power, δυναμεως, to work miracles, to confound enemies, to support us in trials, and enable us to do that which is lawful and right in his sight. And of love, which enables us to hear, believe, hope, and endure all things; and is the incentive to all obedience. Of a sound mind, σωφρονισμου, of self-possession and government, according to some.
But a sound mind implies much more; it means a clear understanding, a sound judgment, a rectified will, holy passions, heavenly tempers; in a word, the whole soul harmonized in all its powers and faculties; and completely regulated and influenced so as to think, speak, and act aright in all things. The apostle says, God hath given the spirit of these things; they are not factitious; they are not assumed for times and circumstances; they are radical powers and tempers; each produced by its proper principle.
Clarke’s Commentary

Moving forward and past it all.

I have been going through what has become a stack of notebooks dating back to 2004.  I have archived posts from online journals and have been reading through them.  I have been facing the person inside who has reared it’s human head out of fear and confusion to renew my spirit and realign with God.
This is the oldest online journal post I can find related to the subject matter: http://jarodthornton.com/bemis3lf/allowthepoetthis/this-is-history-101604-anonymous written 10/16/2004
Heaven In The Morning by Robert Nacke

This post was last modified on April 13, 2013 - learn more.

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