{"id":2488,"date":"2014-06-30T18:59:10","date_gmt":"2014-06-30T22:59:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jarodthornton.com\/bemis3lf\/?p=2488"},"modified":"2014-06-30T18:59:10","modified_gmt":"2014-06-30T22:59:10","slug":"life-of-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jarodthornton.com\/bemis3lf\/2014\/06\/30\/life-of-me\/","title":{"rendered":"For the Life of Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

Resentment<\/h2>\n

Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Resentment is dark but I suppose it works for some, especially as a tool to protect oneself from being hurt (again) or otherwise, but it’s dark and no one, not a single person, benefits from it. However, if you want to hurt someone in return or whatever your reason is, that’s how you would go about it. Furthermore, it might be something many are completely unaware of! It could be a subconscious thing or something. IDK – but resentment leads to rejection leads to a dark hole in your heart.
\nWhat’s the opposite of resentment? Forgiveness. Forgiveness can only truly exist IF humility is present and that’s impossible with resentment.<\/strong>
\nAll in all good grief – because as it turns out grief is good – “I’m sorry” and remorse are good too but grief breaks your heart or it feels like it and grief is much deeper – the only thing that can bring a resolution to those sticky situations we get into. Change cannot take place without grieving which requires empathy, humility and in some cases a lot of wailing. Not crying, wailing… God it feels so good to be alive and sober and finding change but it took me the better part of a year to even understand what grief really is.
\nI grieve over the horrid way I’ve behaved in my past and more so for what I did to hurt people, especially those I care deeply about. It is truly heart wrenching.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Do you have a grudge against someone?<\/h3>\n

You might if\u00a0a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury is held onto.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness<\/h2>\n

To stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone). : to stop feeling anger about (something)\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Forgiveness is a big one. \u00a0For me personally it’s easy to forgive people but there are those who have been more difficult. \u00a0Take my family for instance. \u00a0Before my daddy was murdered and at the young age of nine I remember getting into trouble, being spanked (never beat or in anger) and even though he would sit me on his lap and explain to me why I was being corrected I resented him. \u00a0Oh I was nine though? \u00a0Irrelevant. \u00a0The morning I learned of his death I immediately determined it was my fault because out of that resentment I would tell myself I hated him and I wished he would die. \u00a0Just reading as I type has me in tears. \u00a0It took years and years to accept that it wasn’t my fault but I still wished it upon him; \u00a0it hurts so bad to remember that. \u00a0It hurts deeper than just about anything save \u00a0my son and his estranged mother.
\nThe next big resentment I held onto was toward my mom. \u00a0I can’t remember the exact time I first determined in my heart I was very angry\u00a0toward her and holding a grudge. \u00a0To this day we sometimes get into a family argument and I find myself pulling that pistol on her, especially if it has to do with finances and how she managed them when we were kids and the laundry list of things I held at one time. \u00a0The issue is usually when someone tries to justify or excuse their actions which only heats the fire. \u00a0I think I do pretty well to keep that stuff off my shoulder and when I do feel angry (once in a blue moon) it doesn’t end up with me throwing a fit and going nuts over it. \u00a0This works because I forgave my mom and while I don’t hold these things against her when they do come up we usually resolve with mutual tears and hugs – we turn out to be a functioning family, there is no resentment. \u00a0A funny thing; there’s not usually one-on-one dialogue in said arguments because someone else is always mediating – reasons my family is awesome. \u00a0While we are very close these days and all has been forgiven those things from the past don’t inhibit our love for one another. \u00a0I’ve witnessed families who are the exact opposite and it works for them I guess but it wouldn’t for me. \u00a0Even in marriage I desperately wanted to have things out in the open with the immediate in-laws – this could have even saved the marriage, perhaps. \u00a0I know it saved my immediate family and all grown up we are close and we love each other more than we hated each other and that was violent and involved shoving down stair, straight punches to the face, one day my younger brother was stabbed with a steak knife – it came 1\/4″ from his left lung… \u00a0I didn’t do the stabbing but it just shows you and it’s my testament to how much we love each other today.<\/p>\n

Hate is not the opposite of love<\/h3>\n

Hate\u00a0is fueled by the same passion as love; love and hate are simply opposite sides of the same coin. \u00a0The opposite of love and even hate is reserved for\u00a0indifference. \u00a0Hate me and hope I hurt, because I do. \u00a0Indifference is having no particular interest or sympathy; unconcerned. \u00a0So please, hate me but forgive me if I’ve crossed you and for the love of God; for crying out loud; for Pete’s sake (whoever Pete is) – resent me, hate me, hold it all over my head but don’t write me off until it’s clear I’ve written myself off. \u00a0Yeah, I’ve come close (or I think) to writing myself off. \u00a0Today that isn’t me.<\/p>\n

Letting Go<\/h2>\n

One of my very best friends, a respectable married man my age who has found favor and success, has four beautiful boys and one of my main confidants spelled it out for me one week in Florida – LET GO. \u00a0He explained that letting go is really the only way to move on regardless the outcome; forever separate or reconciled. \u00a0Furthermore he explained that it isn’t about not loving someone or not caring deeply but about what will expedite healing for all parties; LET GO. \u00a0OK!<\/em> \u00a0Easier said than done especially\u00a0<\/em>since getting sober and learning grief. \u00a0It hurts more than ever and what now? \u00a0LET GO. \u00a0sigh<\/em><\/p>\n

Letting God<\/h3>\n

“Let go and Let God”\u00a0<\/i>is used a lot and I’m sure you’ve probably heard it before. \u00a0My take on it is scriptural; 1 Peter 5:7-Casting all your care upon Him; for he careth for you. \u00a0<\/em>This tells me that I don’t need to try to fix everything or make it all better because He cares enough to take it on so I don’t have to – but as easy as it was to type that out, following through is very difficult for me. \u00a0This idea about letting go and letting God \u00a0is supported by another scripture; \u00a0Matthew 6:33-But seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things would be added unto you.<\/em>
\nIn other words, surrender it to God. Whatever your \u201cIT\u201d may be on today, God is saying, \u201cGive it to me!\u201d<\/strong>
\nOne particular situation has plagued me for years now. \u00a0Not only is this the toughest to accept, move on and let go it’s something I am reminded of everyday. \u00a0Surrounded by memories and the cue immediately after the nostalgia is the part that really hurts; loss. \u00a0Loss – there’s grief in feeling a deep sense of loss both for oneself and others. \u00a0I have a lot of gratitude for what I have and it is by this alone that I maintain a positive and healthy outlook on life; happiness. \u00a01 Thessalonians 5:18-In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

How to Let Go<\/h2>\n

This might vary but I assure you my past is riddled with people and places I’ve had to let go of. \u00a0Today I strongly feel like I have a clean slate; I’ve let go of it all. \u00a0However, there is that one ever relevant situation where letting go has been near impossible for me but absolutely necessary for all parties to heal, I guess (shrugs shoulders<\/em>). \u00a0Off and on since 2009 I’ve done this back-and-forth letting go but failing because I missed the part about giving it to God. \u00a0I’ve found it to be true; when I let God things are always OK and I feel deep peace instead of remorse and regret which compliment that peace but alone they aren’t enough. \u00a0I still well up with tears often which is also something new to me in the last few years and it’s been very awesome but there is a catch… \u00a0The more I feed my spirit man and open my heart to good emotion by which I experience a heightened awareness of my feelings the more stronger\u00a0other emotions become, like sadness. \u00a0It’s a fair trade-off in the end and the point is learning to\u00a0let go and let God. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Do you want to let go of something and try God’s way?<\/h3>\n

From experience I know the good news and some things we probably don’t think about when it comes to this letting go thing; forgive yourself then forgive the transgressor. \u00a0I believe that I have been able to accept my mistakes, work toward making change (determined by grief) and forgive myself. \u00a0What is the saying? \u00a0Luke 7:47 reads\u00a0Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little. \u00a0<\/em>It means exactly what it reads; my mistakes can be forgiven but only through love which is another subject altogether except in that I will mention love requires empathy, humility, and sometimes love means letting go and let God.<\/p>\n

Sources<\/h2>\n