I’ve been so confused lately. One day everything is OK, the next everything is up in the air. There’s vacancy in my heart like an empty room and displacement like a refuge forced out of his home land. My heart has been hurting and as much as I’ve tried to be strong it’s becoming harder with each passing day to the point that I feel my heart beating harder; my heart broken; my heart bleeding.
My worst fears are being realized. I have no control except that of myself and my own feelings. I don’t want to be upset. I don’t want to feel like this in my heart. The only thing that helps me with everything is giving myself room and distance my attachment; break away from these emotions and let everything go. After all, it isn’t my undoing but the response thereof. I know love doesn’t do this.
Everything in my life is up in the air. I’ve moved out of my apartment, found residence with a friend and contributing housemate, sacrificed my very sustenance, stepped away from the vices of my lifestyle, those things complicating my spiritual climb. The single most difficult thing is the heart beating, broken & bleeding. Something has to give. Decisions must be made. I’ll observe and see how this unfolds. I may have some childish immature ways, especially when I was drinking. Maybe I live in a dream world. Perhaps I’ve missed a few responsibilities along the way when my life was in shambles.
Today is a new day. My childlike heart (when sober) is a great attribute. I’m an adult and there’s plenty of maturity in my life. My dreams are something I’m in pursuit of, with or without those who promise to be by my side. Hell or high water, come the trials or life actions show the truths. I can more than handle my responsibilities. I won’t run from my problems. I won’t give up on gainful employment and making a living with my business. At the end of the day, I’m not a horrible person. I care more than anyone can imagine. I do as much as I can. I do as much as is granted me. I can’t help much if there is no room in someones life. It isn’t fair to expect much if there’s no opportunity.
Financial contributions are nice and show commitment to making things run. But, this does not prove one cares for the well being of another in heart and soul. Money is helpful but it’s not an impressive input compared to what one offers in love. Actions always show someones true colors. I know my place now. Radio silence is awful and it’s nice to be appreciated, but not if it’s warranted by money. Just saying. The level of hurt has been taken to another level. Awesome (sarcasm intended).
Oh, and another observation I’ve made about circumstances: People lie about everything, especially to those closest. The signs are clear and something isn’t right about everything. It’s a recurring thought and fear that seems to validate itself by the communication. People often sway in the trouble of feelings that wrong is being done against another. It’s just an observation. That’s all.

This post was last modified on June 18, 2015 - learn more.

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